there used to be a
third dog here - but she's gone now
remembering Findley.
Fridays are tough, under the new normal. The rest of the week doesn't seem as challenging, maybe due to work demands or the freedom of the weekend. Fridays suck - work winding down, the weekend creeping up, and a slight exhaustion clawing its way in.
Today has sucked. I'm feeling anxious and my husband can't or won't talk about what's bothering me. He's a brick wall if I want to have a real conversation about certain areas of our life. Today's wall is his son and a realistic view of where we are. Realism is negativity to him - anything that interrupts his pollyanna view of the miracle that may one day happen. He and his mother can talk about how he might "clean up" and "go to school" when he's "done with being unstable". And me reminding him that our son doesn't even have grade 10 is not "writing him off" - it's keeping everyone on the same fucking page so that we stop overselling reality and setting this kid up for failure. He's gas station material, just now, not future engineer. That's not saying he can't ever get there - but let's not pretend he can sober up and go to university.
Why do I even care?
Friday 27 March 2020
Monday 23 March 2020
the fog, it rolls in
like carpet spread across wood floors
tightening the space
The fog rolls in. I feel like that - as I navigate our new-normal, watch our covid cases go up, hear about parties and people not respecting the warnings, and wonder what that means for our future.
Will it mean a quieter existance? Less materialistic? Will it mean lay offs and a burdened economy? Will anyone I know get sick? Die? Will we flatten the curve?
I'm not usually too anxious of a person. But lately the pressure in my chest is tighter and more often. I worry where I might not have before. I'm thankful for what I have but wonder if it can be taken away from me.
What really makes me mad is the covidiots who won't listen.
like carpet spread across wood floors
tightening the space
The fog rolls in. I feel like that - as I navigate our new-normal, watch our covid cases go up, hear about parties and people not respecting the warnings, and wonder what that means for our future.
Will it mean a quieter existance? Less materialistic? Will it mean lay offs and a burdened economy? Will anyone I know get sick? Die? Will we flatten the curve?
I'm not usually too anxious of a person. But lately the pressure in my chest is tighter and more often. I worry where I might not have before. I'm thankful for what I have but wonder if it can be taken away from me.
What really makes me mad is the covidiots who won't listen.
Wednesday 18 March 2020
social distancing
my dog does not understand
or maybe it's me
What does it take to show love - in a community that is self-isolating? For me, it's being nice and polite and friendly and thankful when I buy groceries or medications.
What does it take to show love - as my husband is bored - not working, not going to the gym, and not seeing friends? For me, it's making time. Talking. Looking up. Cooking favourite meals and remembering to be physically affectionate, even when I'm rushed.
What does it take to show love - when people around me are scared or stressed or ignorant? It means gently educating, listening, remembering the good and pointing it out.
My introverted self does not mind this social distancing - but the rebellious teenager in me really misses small groups and chats and walks (still going just not as much) and conversations. Mindless roaming. I love the barrenness of the landscape, the return to simple values - but worry about the growing fear of an economy dipping, no income, and payroll that might not get made. My chest squeezes when a reporter asks about looting - when it hasn't happened yet, but she invites its arrival. The folks bad at math that don't think this is working, the defiant refusal to stay at home, and endless questioning of government when they are doing their best.
my dog does not understand
or maybe it's me
What does it take to show love - in a community that is self-isolating? For me, it's being nice and polite and friendly and thankful when I buy groceries or medications.
What does it take to show love - as my husband is bored - not working, not going to the gym, and not seeing friends? For me, it's making time. Talking. Looking up. Cooking favourite meals and remembering to be physically affectionate, even when I'm rushed.
What does it take to show love - when people around me are scared or stressed or ignorant? It means gently educating, listening, remembering the good and pointing it out.
My introverted self does not mind this social distancing - but the rebellious teenager in me really misses small groups and chats and walks (still going just not as much) and conversations. Mindless roaming. I love the barrenness of the landscape, the return to simple values - but worry about the growing fear of an economy dipping, no income, and payroll that might not get made. My chest squeezes when a reporter asks about looting - when it hasn't happened yet, but she invites its arrival. The folks bad at math that don't think this is working, the defiant refusal to stay at home, and endless questioning of government when they are doing their best.
Monday 9 March 2020
something powerful
happens in conversation
renewing my hope
And there it was.
Bob and I were having breakfast with old friends. Years ago they'd moved to Windsor and then 5 years ago back to Cobourg, but we'd waved, maybe, on facebook but not reconnected. Lately, Bob has been rekindling some old friendships and someone mentioned this couple, what they were doing, and we decided to have breakfast.
They brought up their feelings on being post-church. That's kind of how I see myself - not going anymore. I'm past it. I'm not doing it. But I still have faith. But in my faith is an entanglement of my childhood, hypocrisy, and church. How do I follow the teachings of Jesus and be his disciple without the structure and tenants of the church? And how do I build them without unintentionally building a church that just "sucks less". They were wrestling with the same things.
But they'd come around to a few things. They were looking for "jesus stories". People who were following Jesus' teachings. How do you just "show up" or "love them" right now? How do you take the parables and miracles of Jesus and apply them to your own life?
It's so clear, I'm surprised I missed it. Just do it. This morning, my son's truck died. The starter is gone. It's nearly seven and he's about 45 minutes late, and has to take a load out to the states later in the morning and now can't get to work. Or might have to uber, or whatever. Instead, I ask myself, "what does this child need from me? how do I show him love?" It becomes simple: "take my car, call Elmar, find out if anyone you know has a tow truck lead - and we'll talk later in the afternoon." I removed his stress. Sent him out. Yes, I'm now driving the vehicle I don't really like instead of my car. Yes, I'll have to organize the tow. But he's off to work, with a plan, and it's really no big deal.
How do I show love to my husband, when he's up and complains that I make things "too easy" for our son? I won't argue. I'll listen. How do I show love to the new mom working on our team? To my friends whose lives are being challenged right now? To the cashier at the supermarket? To endless people I interact with each and every day?
happens in conversation
renewing my hope
And there it was.
Bob and I were having breakfast with old friends. Years ago they'd moved to Windsor and then 5 years ago back to Cobourg, but we'd waved, maybe, on facebook but not reconnected. Lately, Bob has been rekindling some old friendships and someone mentioned this couple, what they were doing, and we decided to have breakfast.
They brought up their feelings on being post-church. That's kind of how I see myself - not going anymore. I'm past it. I'm not doing it. But I still have faith. But in my faith is an entanglement of my childhood, hypocrisy, and church. How do I follow the teachings of Jesus and be his disciple without the structure and tenants of the church? And how do I build them without unintentionally building a church that just "sucks less". They were wrestling with the same things.
But they'd come around to a few things. They were looking for "jesus stories". People who were following Jesus' teachings. How do you just "show up" or "love them" right now? How do you take the parables and miracles of Jesus and apply them to your own life?
It's so clear, I'm surprised I missed it. Just do it. This morning, my son's truck died. The starter is gone. It's nearly seven and he's about 45 minutes late, and has to take a load out to the states later in the morning and now can't get to work. Or might have to uber, or whatever. Instead, I ask myself, "what does this child need from me? how do I show him love?" It becomes simple: "take my car, call Elmar, find out if anyone you know has a tow truck lead - and we'll talk later in the afternoon." I removed his stress. Sent him out. Yes, I'm now driving the vehicle I don't really like instead of my car. Yes, I'll have to organize the tow. But he's off to work, with a plan, and it's really no big deal.
How do I show love to my husband, when he's up and complains that I make things "too easy" for our son? I won't argue. I'll listen. How do I show love to the new mom working on our team? To my friends whose lives are being challenged right now? To the cashier at the supermarket? To endless people I interact with each and every day?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)