my life, without mark

is a tricky walk with truth

he struggled like me.

It doesn't impact my every day, Mark's passing.  Nine years on, it's a sad memory - him sitting on my couch playing his dad's 12 string and laughing as we told stories.  Us sitting in a car after his grandfather's funeral, realizing how we didn't have to lie one another and pretend our shit was together.  The memories are fog-filled now, dimmer, but somehow more poignant in the recollection of a boy that is remembered well.

And yet, not a boy.  A man.  Gorgeous.  Strong.  French.  Sexy.  Struggling.  He struggled with the same things I struggle with - not fitting in, not feeling loved, needing to pretend to be someone he's not so that he's paletable with his family.    

He ended his life.  On a cold, November afternoon when he was 33 and I was 38, devastating his mother and causing something in me yet unexplained.  Seeing someone you love end their life, when their struggles were your struggles - wondering how he didn't make it, and wondering if I should have made it, and wanting to set fire to our upbringing and the damage the church does to people like us.

Fuck, I miss him.  I miss him being on earth.  Playing guitar.  Being honest.  Being angry.  I think about his pain, though, and am glad he's outsmarted it.

 feeling excluded

I considered a response

and wrote a haiku

Yesterday was a hard day.  Physically, it was easy.  Yesterday was one of those days where I realized that I don't often get my needs met, and when I do, it's after fighting and planning and they no longer felt met.

My brother is still not speaking to me after I sent a joke to him last week that his gf got her knickers in a knot over.  I haven't been able to ask why he's going apeshit over this a mere few weeks after he jokingly said the only anniversary he celebrates with his gf is the anniversary if her giving him anal sex.  

And then, on my wall yesterday, his gf and one of her friends making fun of me.  These two little trolls - neither one of them able to get their live in to marry them - making fun of me.  A woman who has 2000 steps before starting work because of what I have to do every single day.   

What I wanted to do is respond.  Say "I didn't say your posts were gross - I sent the joke because I think you're sad, pathetic, and desperate." but I'm sure that would not help.  I'm the pyriah because I'm still best friends with the woman he did marry.  The woman worth marrying.  

I don't like being made fun of by cheap whores.

I'm tired of this person being in my family.

 the escalation

of a joke, sent privately

suggests more to come

That escalated quickly.  My brother was never a "post mushy stuff on facebook" kinda guy when he was with my original sister in law.  His new gf, however, has turned him on to country music and lovey dovey posts where everyone can see.  And one of the downfalls of everyone seeing is - as you can imagine - everyone seeing.  

I jokingly sent my brother a funny tik tok of an egg barfing up two yolks with the comment:  me, reading your posts.  He must have showed it to his gf, or she has his account, because about 5 minutes later I got a very angry message about 'their relationship' and me butting out.

So whatever.  I waited for a day and asked my brother if we were going to talk about his gf's message to me.  He freaks and says this is the shit he's angry about and his gf has a name.  Oh, okay.  So if I had said are we talking about jen's message to me, all would be well?

I'm a bit confused here.  It was a joke.  I thought we were all on the same page.  Something is underneath, making this a problem, but lord knows if I know what it is.  It COULD be that I've asked her if she's trying to get my brother to propose - I forgot that some girls think they are more covert than they are.. but I was really just asking.

Bob says to give it a day or two, but I'm kind of over this immature bullshit.  If someone were to ask what I really think, I'd say that it seems overtly mushy because someone is insecure and needs the world to know they are together.  I'd also say that before you propose, you should be unmarried to your first spouse - and if someone isn't willing to divorce their first spouse, despite being "soul mates" with you - I'd be asking some targetted questions.  But whatever.