the sun, bright and young

bursts through branches with such force

shadows on my lawn

Two weeks.

As someone looking back on *almost* 50 years of living, there is something that continues to amaze me - the human capacity to continue believing something stupid no matter what facts or arguments they are faced with.  And their seamingly endless capacity to argue the truth, over and over and over again, to continue the luxury of not changing what they think.

Obviously, anyone that knows me knows I am talking about religion broadly.  But this truth, this light of forceful sunshine, can be found everywhere.  I found it last evening, in a conversation.

I had a very meaningful conversation yesterday with a group of ladies I like and admire.  The conversation felt good, felt cathartic, even though I was largely a spectator of it.  However, this morning I woke and in those moments between waking and being awake, I realized that I had kind of accepted something as my issue that is not my issue.

The conversation was around trust.  And how trust had broken down and how we need to fix it.  Yes.  But there was something around us needing to trust and explore it, and not much around the person who had broken our trust or our right not to trust someone.   That questioning whether or not someone was truly at capacity was about us not trusting, and not about them not demonstrating what they're doing.  Even when we ask.

I'm.. exhausted.  Perhaps there was some truth in what we discussed - it's not my problem.  I can just trust and hpoe for the best. 

 turning fifty soon

I slip on my pastel pants

and pour myself tea.

I'm turning fifty in 19 days.  I crochet now.  I have bird feeders and know the types of birds who eat.  I put the woodpecker food and the cardinal food in different places so I can enjoy both birds.  I research ancestry.  I wear sari skirts and funky boots and do not give one flying fuck what people think of me.

Yesterday, I had a shift at the mission.  I wanted to wear something with pockets (phone) and looked.  I had crop pants (I work from home, yo) and sweat pants (same), and found a pair of blue jeggings and several dress pants.  I picked the jeggings and went through my tees and sweaters - and I.. just don't know how to dress anymore.  

 his temper tantrum

empowers karma to teach

while i sip my tea

Last night, he watched the game.  During the game I caught up on emails, washed and dried dishes, did laundry, made my bed, put the dogs out, and laid out his clothes for this morning.  I was tired, as the clock pushed ten o'clock, and I used the lift to get him into bed, and then catheterized him, and shut off the light.  All that was left was for me to put on my pajamas and brush my teeth.

And then he remembered a report he didn't send and wanted me to bring him his computer, his glasses, and his phone.  All in different spots.  And I pushed back.  It was ten, I was tired, and he was in bed.  Angry.  Demanded.  Pleaded - there was an audit, he had to do the report.  I was ticked, and tired, and got his stuff but was rude about it.  Clearly unimpressed, and tired of always having to do something for someone else and not being able to just go to bed when I'm tired.

He was furious that I pushed back and was frustrated with him.  He got so angry that he threw his work laptop and broke it.  Threw his phone, and threw his glasses.  I picked up the glasses, and told him to stop throwing shit I bought, or he'd get Hakim glasses next time.   

I get it is frustrating to have to ask.  But it's just as frustrating to be with a five year old that can't hear no.  I'm sorry your stupid report didn't get done during the nine hours you sat in your office, but that doesn't make it my issue.  And throwing your laptop didn't get it done, either.  I should have just gone to bed.

This morning, he gets to call and see about getting a new laptop.  He mentioned he'd have to go to Ajax.  I didn't say so, but I hope he knows that's a wheeltrans thing.  

 edges, sharpening

like feathers, plumping with cold, 

breathe in and breathe out

On Friday, we had a meeting with our team.  It was a great meeting and we got a lot accomplished.  We connected, were honest, and I feel really good about that.  Our manager took a moment to say how proud of us he was, especially me, after a very tough meeting the day before.  Amoung friends, he commented that sometimes people are offended by my edginess and that I had taken the effort to give good foodback without any edge.  It was a nice moment.

But it.. bothered me all weekend.

And this morning, I started to cry and really work out what's bothering me.  Here it is:

• It's not people, broadly, it's people, narrowly.
• No one would ever call out a man for being smart and sarcastic.  In fact, I've heard it called a "mic drop" when men do the same fucking thing.
• I'm kind.  
• I never take the credit.  I always bring my team or others with me.  I always recognize their work, no matter how minimal I think it was.  
• And the management of my team STOOD BY while someone took all the fucking credit for a large piece of work I did.  Didn't speak up, didn't correct, and didn't recognize me for the work or my kindness in just letting it happen.
• Two people who are edgy - like "nearly got in a fistfight and screaming at one another" edgy BOTH got promoted in the last year.
• I'm exhausted - always doing the right thing, lending a hand, managing things I shouldn't manage because others are tired - and there's no recognition for that.

Yeah, so this morning I'm really questioning why I'm trying to be so damn resilient and always propping up others, because it seems to be that's all for naught when a middle aged woman dares to have an informed, thoughtful question and is smart enough to make jokes.