early morning, watch

the forest thins for winter

my heart breaks for it

Thursday morning.  Bob's being dressed by his PSW while I blog and surf online, answering emails, sipping coffee, and staring off into the distance behind the house.  Still grieving.  For what, though?  For a marriage and life that slipped away this year?  For the time when we travelled and my biggest worry was accessible accomodation?

It's so grey, today.  

Yesterday I had a moment.  Someone asked if I was doing okay, and I couldn't muster up the energy to say yes and almost started to cry.  It's not that I'm not okay - but in that moment the reality of what I lived and how I had to behave and getting feedback just overwhelmed.  

I don't miss my brother, but I miss having one.  When I allow myself a moment to examine my feelings, the cascade of frustration comes - rolling over and over itself.  I don't understand why the joke wasn't funny, why his GF went off on me, why he freaked, why I'm out of his life.  I don't understand why I'm so fucking disposable to my family.  I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand.  And then I examine more and see that I'm always on the outside, I'm always being discarded, and then wonder why.

50 years old in 3 months.  Half a century of trying to make people love me.