the pain in my chest

and the extreme exhaustion

not the change of life.

An update to yesterday's post.  I called a medical professional and chatted for nearly an hour with a nurse practitioner.  I took an anxiety survey, depression survey, a bunch of other mental health things - and then we had a good chat about burnout.

Mine is likely caregiver burnout with a touch of the career burnout, tucked in.

My anxiety is high - it hasn't bothered me in a long time - and my depression is low-to-medium, likely caused by the anxiety.  I have bloodwork scheduled, a pyschologist scheduled, and some online work doing CBT.  I'm changing my diet, re-looking at meditation, and taking this seriously.

The NP said that I've gone so long dealing with stress, that she thinks my brain is likely depleted of serotonin.  It's why i'm tired and likely why I no longer give a fuck.  It's why I always feel like something bad is going to happen.  It's why I can't stop thinking about something even worse happening.  

I feel - stupid? - that I didn't know.  That I excused it as other things and didn't realize how this was going.  I feel like I should have seen this, staring at me.  But it explains why I was angry at the "compartmentalizing" comment, and why I lost it yesterday. 

Ah, well.. time to replace my serotonin, change some habits, and get back to normal.