my homemade flat white

drank in, alone in this space

my reality waits.

I was in a meeting yesterday and we had to do a gratitude thing - where we post "one thing we're grateful for" and "one thing we're looking forward to" and I blanked.   Not blanked as in having nothing to look forward to or be grateful for, but blanked as in how I might capture my thoughts succintly on tiny pieces of paper.

Grateful for healthcare programs that keep my husband functioning?  Grateful for good jobs that pay ridiculously high co-pays for medical devices?  Grateful for laughter, because it's all I have left?  Grateful that when I texted friends yesterday that I'm having a nervous breakdown and my family doesn't notice or care that they called and laughed with me until I could walk into work?  Grateful that when I went to the washroom to cry at work no one else was there?

And yes, I could just write "friends" or "my job" or "laughter" - but I was overthinking it - not wanting to be trite about things I'm truly grateful for but not wanting to make others feel bad.  Some people shared "grateful for moonlight on snow" - and I was so freaking jealous that they had the time to notice and had no other pressing demand in their life that it was that they were grateful for.  And then felt bad for my internal dialogue.

I went home last night and was grateful.  Grateful that Bob has me in his life to care for him.  Grateful for my daughter, who helps me with him, and gives me much needed breaks when I need them.  Grateful for her husband, who fits with us and is a helpful, smart, kind man.  Grateful for my son - who showed up with a gift last night because he knows I'm really struggling with my reality.  Grateful for friends, who laugh along with me in a journey that's harder than is fair.   

Grateful that no one at the table pressed me too hard about filling out the paper.