regret, tastes bitter
but rolls around on my tongue
sweetened by the truth.


Three weeks since the dog died.  Since Bob's been off work.  Since we broke down and re-assembled things here.  Everything has changed - nothing has changed.

I'm sleeping better.  Without PSWs coming at 6 a.m. every morning, and without my very needy dog missing me by 5:45 a.m., I'm sleeping.  I'm up at 5 a.m. on the mornings I drive into the office, but they are 2 or 3 a week and the rest of the time I'm sleeping until my body feels rested and without the aid of an alarm.  This has taken away my extreme exhaustion, lifting the fog I was under, and making all the difference.  I'm meeting my goal of 7 hours of sleep per night about half the time now, instead of almost never, or only when I travel.

I'm more patient.  Since doing some counselling and the work they prescribe - writing letters, breathing, examining my responses to stimuli and triggers - I'm finding I have more patience for Bob.  I understand what he's going through, and why.  I empathize with how challenging this is, instead of being angry about how it's affecting me.  I set boundaries and don't move them - but I'm patient when things happen.

I feel more loved.  My husband is trying.  He's reading, he's communicating, and he's listening to me.  He knows that the behaviour we've seen through December and January cannot continue, and he's also doing the work to get mentally and physically healthy again.  Am I worried?  yes.  I dream of bombs and no one to help me get them out of the house and no one willing to step in - and it's probably my brain working out how fragile this life is - but I'm also confident we're doing everything we can to make this work.

I'm exercising and eating better.  My dietician is happy with my progress.  We talk weekly, as part of my self care.  I'm adding interval training into my walks and jogs, I've moved my exercising from "fat burning" to "cardio" and I feel better.  I'm training for a 5K in May.  I'm enjoying food - I thought my dietician would cause me to become weird about food again but she's encouraging me to enjoy, try new things, and make small tweaks.