my breath sticks, exhale
willing my pulse to slow down
feet firmly on ground


It's been a long week.  Is it always a long week?  I didn't cry in the bathroom at work this week - so that's awesome.

It's been a long week of unpacking feelings - something I don't love doing because I am scared to name the feelings I have and work with them and confront them.  But since I've done the work and feel a little less conflicted about where I am as a person, I might as well share.

My brother has cancer.   If you'd ask me to name the top twenty people I thought might get cancer, his name would not have been on it.  And it's weird that we think like that, but we do.  And his cancer has brought up some strange feelings for me.  Sadness, of course, because no one wants their brother being sick or having all the issues to deal with.  Regret, that we don't always relate as well as we should after the incident.  Frustration, because I feel like some people like that he and I aren't outwardly close.  More frustration, because I feel like some people actively try to draw a line between he and I.  Anger, that the conversation is always around God loving him and healing him when I have a husband who is also sick and will never get better.  Shame, that part of me is angry that my brother will get better when Bob will not.  Confusion, because emotions are complicated when you're 48 and facing down your own issues with your health.

And that's what I'm dealing with while going to work and figuring out strategies and meeting deliverables and participating in meetings and trying to be there for my friends and my husband and my family.

And goodness, I did not expect to be so worried about my brother, especially knowing that in two months he'll be good as new. 

And then yesterday, a friend built a ramp at his house so we could continue going to the yearly potluck he hosts.  And, like a balm to a wound, everything stopped hurting.  Seriously.  The guy built an entire ramp into his house that's temporary and store-able so that when we come over (once a year) we can get in.  The kindness of some people is so utterly remarkable.