my crisis of faith
escaping into music
holding on to truth

It's not a good time for me to be having a crisis of faith.  Is there ever a good time?  If there is, now is not it.  My husband didn't get great news at his MS appointment this week.  On the surface, it was okay news - he's plateauing, not getting any worse, symptoms are not worsening.  Once you look a little deeper, though, you see the meaning of this - best case scenario, we only go down from here.

It's been a long couple of months.  He's falling a lot.  He can't play guitar.  He's tired, he's in pain, and his personality and mood are reflecting that.  We were both hoping this was a dip, and not "best case scenario".  We knew this was coming - but we're not even 50 yet. 

I have to be strong and jokey for him.  I have to be positive.  Same as at work.  And so, I am, and just cry to and from work when I'm not carpooling.  It's probably not the best system, but it's working for me.  It's letting me function at home and at work. 

And, during this, I'm not sure I belong in a faith community any more.  I'm so tired of "christian" meaning anti-gay, anti-women's-rights, and being assholes about things like suicide.  I'm exhausted trying to be patient while the faith community changes - waiting for it to remember that the message of Jesus was hope, love, and grace and not to run an exclusive club for people that like bad music and being better than everyone else.

I used to talk about these things to my father, but that's no longer an option.  My parents won't even ask after Bob anymore, and aren't really there for me.   When I was younger, I used to take a pile of plates and through them off an overpass when I was stressed. That's not really an option at 47.