the house, unmoving

silence envelops hall, mood

waiting for some light

I have all the glamour jobs.  My alarm goes off at 6:30 and I let out the dogs and use the washroom.  Wake up Bob, turn on the lights.  Unlock the door.  By 6:40 I'm usually in his room and putting him in the sling to use the lift so that he can sit on the toilet for a few minutes.  We're attempting to "bowel train" him - MS affects everything, these days.

Once I have him balanced, it's time to chore.  Laundry, if it's there.  Dishes, if they need to be washed or put away.  Coffee to be made and brought.  Today, I had to stand and hold his coffee while adjusted his core - the laundry and my coffee waiting in another room.  Strip his bed, if needed.  Lay out clothes, on days it matters what he wears.  Turn on my computer - so that once his PSW arrives I can check my own email or blog.

He arrives.  I hear him move Bob to the shower chair and run the water.  Where is the soap?  Razor?  I answer, trying to keep my annoyance to a minimum.  Where they always are, the closet.  I sip my coffee and ignore them move to the living room for the wheelchair, the bedroom to get dressed, back to the living room for shoulder exercises.  The bed is made - exactly like a rushed 50 something guy would make it.  The shake is made in a similar fashion.  Bob's dressed - sometimes like an aging gentleman in a nursing home, sometimes like the athlete he used to be.  I try not to show any visible registration of what I think of these outfits.  

I sift through emails, answering, filing, creating meetings, while mentally planning my day and along with it my outfit.  His PSW has been here for 36 minutes already - almost time for him to go and me to shower.  He was showing off yesterday that he can do his 10 hours of patient care in just over 6 hours, not realizing that I understand that he's rushing and is likely not giving Bob the care he deserves.  But Bob is young and has me, so I try not to register the admission of neglegence.  

Momentarily called away - there was a near miss that I had to assist with, my husband dangling from his wheelchair, pants around his thighs.  There is no dignity left in this place but he didn't get hurt.  There's always that.

Last night I fell asleep wondering how long we could go on like this for and how empty my days might be once we are done.