exahustion, captive

in a prison i can't see

or find my escape

I'm dead dog tired.  Exhausted.  Tired of everything.  I leave in 9 days for three days away with Tammy - and I'm counting down the days, minutes, seconds.  I can't breathe, some mornings, I'm so exhausted.  With work, with Bob, with caregiving.  I'm at my wits' end.  

Yesterday, we had a new PSW.  She was nice.  Very thorough.  But at the 59 minute mark she'd only bathed Bob and partially got him dressed.  He wasn't fully dressed, the bed wasn't made, his exercises were not done, and his breakfast was not made.  She was looking at her watch, and Bob said, "if you need to go, Chris can finish here" and she left.

I.

Was.

Livid.

At him, at her, at life.  It was 12:45 in the afternoon.  i had mowed my yard, made breakfast, cleaned up.  I was waiting for the shower.  I hadn't slept well.  And now I had to dress my husband and finish his care because he's so nice to others that he continually fucks me over.

Which brings me to my question - if I am granted 1 hour a day - what does that mean?  Because Bob's regular guy leaves at the 30 minute mark because he's "done", and this check left at the one hour mark because she only has an hour.  So is it an hour?  Because if it is, the PSW can fold Bob's laundry or do his dishes or something..  and if it's finish all the tasks, why is the lady leaving Bob half dressed?  Bob says not to complain, but of course he says that - he's the good guy without the consequences.  I called over the office this week to get some additional paid hours while I'm gone and the girl working told me to "call back next week - I'm too busy to deal with this".  

What.

The.

Fuck.

I'm exhausted.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  Physically.  Mentally.