how many alarms
waking myself from slumber
always needing more.



It's 6:08 on a Sunday morning.  The world has already sinned against me. 

Yesterday, I did father's day here with the kids.  It was good, and Bob felt loved.  But a couple things happened that I will need to process before I'm fully sure how to handle them. 

1.  Bob's wheelchair failed yesterday and we got stuck outside in the sun.  There's a small setting that needs to be reconfigured, but suffice it to say the shocks got locked and he couldn't go over a door frame.  In the hot sun I had to bring him his lift, lift him, switch wheelchairs, get him inside and then bring the lift and 400+ pound chair inside by myself.  I was exhausted.  Fast forward 4 hours and the kids were here.  He was going to go back outside, having theoretically figured out how to bypass the error and wanting to try.  I said that I didn't want him to, that I was still exhausted from the first time and to just sit tomorrow (today - volunteering) out.  He refused, and the kids backed him up.  I reiterated to the entire family that I was fucking exhausted, and didn't want to take the risk.  No one listened.  At some point, I'll have to figure out how to get Bob and the kids to understand that I'm not saying no to limit him - I'm saying no because it's always me with the risk and consequences and I'm exhausted.  I actually thought about this in the middle of the night - wondering at what point I'd actually have to leave.

2.  Lesser, but just as insulting, I made penne alla vodka for dinner.  Everyone approved the menu, but then gave me a hard time for the "butt load of tomatos" in it.  The kids only ate noodles, like they were 3 and 5 instead of 25 and 27 - and then Bob commented that the sauce was 'watery'.  I got up, took out all the tomatoes, and blended them with my nutribullet into the sauce.  I came back to the table, and commented that I had taken their feedback.  I'd love to hear a thank you, occasionally.

I'm exhausted.  Too exhausted.  I sit down and hear, "chris...." - I spend my day picking up dropped things, fetching things, emptying urinals, and helping him to transfer.  I spend my nights listening to snoring, emptying urinals, and changing sheets.  Yesterday, his PSW stood in the washroom, ON HER PHONE, while i hooked up the lift and got all the stuff to help Bob switch chairs. I worry some days that I actually might lose it - either drop to the floor crying until all this is fixed around me - or just pack a bag and leave.    I'm actually up hours earlier than I need to be today because Bob's PSW didn't want to reschedule another client.

I'm not sure what today holds, besides a nap.  In the next few minutes, and not caring about my scheduled volunteering today.