another day, spent
doing the same things as now
my life, set to pause


Week three of the social distancing and working from home.  I joke that it's no big deal for me - just low key same shit different day, without the pressures of visiting and going out for dinner.  I haven't worn make up in 20 days.  Live almost exclusively in sweats,   Work out online and take the dog for a walk.  Hear the same comment that I don't take the other dog for a walk.  Make the same comment that she's ill-trained and won't listen.  Leave, knowing my husband will give her treats for being an asshole.  Let that wound fester a bit.

And it's not a wound about dogs, but kids.  Our boys are about the same age.  His is mentally ill and on the streets and didn't finish high school and has spent time in prison in two countries.  Mine works his ass off, lives here rent free (only home occasionally), and lives like a 24 year old who doesn't know he'll live past 30.  My step-son has always had the easy route.  Parents that excuse his behaviour as mental health.  I listen to phone calls where my husband and his mother talk about him "cleaning up and going to school", like it's a reality.  When I question the sanity of that, I hear I'm too negative.  That I don't have enough patience.

And yet, my son was 3 hours away and in the hospital for pain and vomiting, finding out he had a stone in his kidney, and my husband's response was, "too bad he didn't go in when I told him to".

DO you know how bad I wanted to say, "too bad you didn't discipline your kid like I told you to" or some such nonsense?    It hasn't been a very good 2 or 3 days here - because the old wounds are open - the divide between him and I, his and mine..  my son sends us a snap of him driving in west virginia, singing country boy, and my husband barely cracks a smile and does not respond.  His son posts a picture of him dumpster driving with a weapon of some sort, and my husband says, "looks like he's keeping busy!" as if he's writing a fucking phD in being an asshole.

Wounds are funny - seemingly healed until something knocks against it.  I know this won't last, and the wound will scab back over, but while open - it's making me crazy.