in another life
i walked, and did not come back
re-wrote that ending


I have the beginning of a blister on the bottom of my left foot.  Not the heel, as one might expect with new shoes, but the bottom of the foot.  And it pains, slightly, as I walk in slippers or barefoot around the house - reminding me that it's there.

And reminding me of another pain, at the bottom of my foot - more metaphorically.  Lately Bob and I have been arguing about one of the PSWs that come in the morning.  He's a "time firm" meaning that his timeslot is his timeslot, due to him still working.   And we get 5 hours of care/help a week - and I've chosen those five hours to be one hour a day on weekdays, so that I'm not doing his care before heading into work.  And for the first few months, it was going well.

9 months in - there's been some problems.  The first major issue was people calling in sick and the overnight folks not telling us.  That's still a bit of a struggle - made worse by the issue we're continuing to have with one of his folks.

They start at 6.  This one comes anywhere from 6:05 to 6:25.  Bob does not want to complain, because she "gets all her stuff done".  I have two arguments for this.  One, is that I can't leave until she rolls in (since they don't call if someone bails, and I'm never quite sure if it's a late or bail) and it affects my drive and my mental well-being.  And two, these are my caregiver hours.  If she can do everything she needs to do in 30-45 minutes (she leaves early to get to her next appt) - can we drop to 45 minutes and get another day?  Or stay for her whole time and get more stuff done?

Bob doesn't think it's a big deal.  Translated, he doesn't want to rock the boat.  He doesn't want the level of care lowering because he complained.  He's afraid she'll quit or even get fired over it and maybe he won't have anyone that comes at 6 a.m.

And it undoes me like a worm inside my mind, eating away.  We've talked about me "just leaving" and "not worrying about it".  We've talked about him putting on his big boy pants and telling her to show up on time.  He's talked to her about it, gingerly, and she's told him she DOES text me when she's late - this is patently untrue.   We can't even discuss her without fighting.

And like that beginning of a blister, each step reminds me of something growing.