a new morning, I 

wait for the day to find me

as I keep covered

Good morning.  I think I'm one of the few people who is not losing their mind about 2020 being over.  Instead, I go into this new year with complete thankfulness about the lockdown; it allowed me to be home with Bob through all the changes we had to negotiate.

2020 was the year he transitioned to work from home, and could do it with thousands of others.  He got his mental health on track, we navigated all the new treatments and procedures that are now part of our routine, and we managed to do it all while working, loving one another, and never letting go of the last string.

I had an entire year to grieve - my marriage, my life - and to put my head on straight without having to worry about crying for no good reason in the office.  Even at home, once, someone asked, "how ARE you?" on the screen and I had to step away and cry because no one had asked me in a while.

My niece told me that my brother had a CT scan and gets his results next week.  He may have cancer again.  I'm deciding how to deal with that - now that he's removed me from his life.  I've no idea why he's so angry, and asking makes him angrier.  He told me to fuck off, and I have.  I want to reach out and make sure he's okay, but I'm also a bit tired of being the family's beaten dog.  What if he gets sick?  What if he dies?

But then I think, "really?"  They ALL know what I'm going through here and no one raises a hand to help.    Does it matter?  I'm not sure anymore.

This year - I'm focusing on the word STRENGTH.  It means "the capacity to withstand great force or pressure   I think it resonates with the things I'm working on in my body, mind, and home.