some days are harder

lungs filled with anxiety

afraid to breathe in

I had an anxiety attack last night.  It's been coming for a week, I think, but I hoped I could tamp it down like I do the grinds of coffee before making espresso.  I few my feelings like that, can I push them down to make room for what needs to fill my day, creating espresso for others instead of a mess for myself.

I don't do anxiety well.  When the grinds refuse to be tamped, and take up too much space, and the water still sprays in - the mess is incredible.  Feelings and tears and a racing heart.  Amusing antidote:  my heart raced so bad that my fitbit recorded it as exercise and started "celebrating" near the end of it.  YAY me, reaching my fitness goal by falling apart.    And I didn't quite "fall apart" - the image I would share is tamping coffee grinds down to make espresso.  When things are tidy you can tamp your emotions into a container, in advance of the spray, and make a nice, smooth drink for those around you.  Last night was more like coffee grinds blowing all over the kitchen in a spray of hot water - making a mess we'll have to clean up this morning.   No drink to enjoy - just a very hot mess.  

I'm not looking forward to cleaning up the mess.

And so, I sit at my desk, pretending normal and watching a very fat bird eat from our feeder.