everyday, challenge

broken and misunderstood

why can't all survive?

I'm sitting at my desk, listening to the Fray's How to Save a Life.  When I was younger and watching 90210, there was a scene where Brenda was listening to Losing My Religion and someone asked why and her response was, "this song was playing during a really hard time in my life, and I recovered, so when I'm sad I listen to it to know I'll get through this".  

How to Save a Life is my sad-song.  My it's-okay-to-cry song, my "what the fuck is wrong with this entire fucking life" song.  It wasn't playing when I sat in a car with Mark after his grandfather died and we had a get real conversation, but it feels like it was.  It was the moment I was I could reset to, some days.  I remember the song when he died, when Jonah died, when my friend's child died.. it's that song for me.

There's another song, too.  Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay.  It's my "why can't I believe in God anymore?" song.    When what I feel and what I believe are worlds apart.  

My aunt is in the hospital with Covid.  She's 76.  It seems old, but when I was 30, 50 seemed old and I turn 50 in less than 2 months so I'm kinda worried about the whole how old is old thing.

If you're reading this, send her good thoughts.  She means a lot to me.