Exhausted, she fell
and just laid there, quietly
watching the world pass



So I took off today as a personal day.  I had breakfast with friends and came home, my blood still pumping in my ears.  In the quiet of the house with nothing to do, I could feel it and hear it.  I wondered, "how long has this been my normal?" 

The dogs run in the snow.  I'm paying bills.  I"m going to the mall to buy a shower gift and find a hat I like and pick up my ring.  I haven't showered or done by hair today.  It's the Oshawa Mall.

I almost started crying today.  Wondering how much more I can take and how bad it will be before I can't do anymore.  And how long before my work suffers and I stop over-preforming to keep my mind from worrying about the future.  I have debated stress leave but don't want to be alone day in and day out with my worry.  At least work gives me some distraction.

To the mall I go.  Alone in a crowd.  Wearing off-brand yoga pants with my unclean hair and body-by-bonbon.  Fuck.  I'm a hot mess.