edges, sharpening

like feathers, plumping with cold, 

breathe in and breathe out

On Friday, we had a meeting with our team.  It was a great meeting and we got a lot accomplished.  We connected, were honest, and I feel really good about that.  Our manager took a moment to say how proud of us he was, especially me, after a very tough meeting the day before.  Amoung friends, he commented that sometimes people are offended by my edginess and that I had taken the effort to give good foodback without any edge.  It was a nice moment.

But it.. bothered me all weekend.

And this morning, I started to cry and really work out what's bothering me.  Here it is:

• It's not people, broadly, it's people, narrowly.
• No one would ever call out a man for being smart and sarcastic.  In fact, I've heard it called a "mic drop" when men do the same fucking thing.
• I'm kind.  
• I never take the credit.  I always bring my team or others with me.  I always recognize their work, no matter how minimal I think it was.  
• And the management of my team STOOD BY while someone took all the fucking credit for a large piece of work I did.  Didn't speak up, didn't correct, and didn't recognize me for the work or my kindness in just letting it happen.
• Two people who are edgy - like "nearly got in a fistfight and screaming at one another" edgy BOTH got promoted in the last year.
• I'm exhausted - always doing the right thing, lending a hand, managing things I shouldn't manage because others are tired - and there's no recognition for that.

Yeah, so this morning I'm really questioning why I'm trying to be so damn resilient and always propping up others, because it seems to be that's all for naught when a middle aged woman dares to have an informed, thoughtful question and is smart enough to make jokes.