listening, I feel

empowered to understand

why he's not talking

I'm sitting at my desk - as I typically do in the mornings before my breakfast or shower.  I answer emails, plan my day, and otherwise try to figure out the approach I will take.  And whilst doing so, I listen to my husband and his PSW chat.

His PSW was off for a few days and got tested for Covid.  My husband is waxing poetical about the threat of covid.  About how he was worried, finding out his PSW was off sick, that perhaps his presumed bladder infection was more than a bladder infection, and that he should have listened to me (he didn't say that part, I added it) and go for a covid test last week.  But he didn't, and allowed himself to be placated that it was just a UTI, and then had to think about the myriad of folks he might have infected, by not checking.

And the bigger question is - why is he chatting about this, so open in his thoughts and interested in opinions, when he is no longer this way with me.   That's what prompted our fight last night - his compartmentalizing things when I need him to not - angry that I'm anti-organized religion and that I'm bringing it up while he's drawing or while he's watching the game.  I'm sorry I only have crises when it's inconvenient.

Choose a word to describe yourself.  Inconvenient.  

I'm the nurse and maid and cook.   I do his bidding.  He loops me in where he thinks I might be helpful - coaching his team or asking performance questions.  He argues even the smallest details with me, to the point where I become weary speaking with him or full of anxiety.  I miss the introspective, funny man who used to share his inner most thoughts.  Now he speaks to me in sentence-commands:  i have a meeting starting.  i thought you were bringing my shake.  why are we doing this now?   i'm out of prune juice.

This morning he tried to link my refusal to deal with organized religion - because of my past, the abuse, the hatred, the endless ruination - with amazon shopping.  How leaders at amazon have probably manipulated or lied or ruined or abused pepole - and yet we still use the service.  I stood there, thoughts shouting loudly, and said I didn't quite get his point and would he like a coffee? 

Maybe it's me that has made this relationship transactional.